Minding my Business
Last week, I was listening to one of Shan Boodram's podcasts, and she explained the concept of self-fullness (as opposed to selfishness). This wasn’t my first time hearing this concept, but this time it struck a chord with me.
To paraphrase, she shared that self-fullness is putting me first … and by putting me first, I'll be able to show up better for everyone else in my life. (Like when the flight attendant tells you to put your oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else with theirs, to prevent you from passing out before you've put the mask on either of you.)
I’ve been sitting with this concept of self-fullness over the last week. This message came through during my reflections.
Rewind: Meet Ve'Lyn the “helper”
I’ve been a responsible, dependable, and deeply caring person for as long as I can remember.
As the eldest in my household, I quickly learned that the actions of others (primarily my siblings) impacted my own well-being. I spent a lot of time caring for my siblings as an adolescent. I knew that on a day-to-day basis, if I wanted Mom to be happy when she returned home, we all needed to behave in a certain way. So, I did my best to influence the behavior of my siblings, to guide and shape them in ways I thought our parents would approve of.
Somewhere along the line, the act of trying to guide and shape others into who I felt they should be stayed with me. It became an unconscious pattern.
Don’t get me wrong, it was useful in that it gave me a role to fit into - a way to belong. On my high school step team, I was often referred to as the “Mom” of the team because of my nurturing personality. I was always looking after others, making sure they were okay, and finding joy in being who they needed me to be.
It continued in college, as I became the person who was overly involved in (and by this point - extremely judgmental of) my friends’ lives. I needed to know all the tea so that I could “help” my people keep their lives together. I thought I was being a good friend and person by doing my part to encourage us all to walk in the "right direction.”
The truth is that the right direction is different for everyone, but I hadn't learned that lesson yet.
During college, I didn't understand what it meant to be authentic, and I had very little appreciation for the beauty of uniqueness. Unfortunately, due to societal, familial, and collegiate programming – I used to believe that there were set paths to success, set ways of behaving that my friends and I should follow. And unconsciously, I believed it was my role to help remind everyone to stay on the right path.
I share all of this to say, that I spent a lot of time believing that my worth and my sense of belonging depended on my ability to “help” others. To this end, I inserted myself into people’s lives and decisions without waiting for their invitation. I put a lot of energy into caring for others in ways that I thought they needed. And I got very accustomed to constantly feeling burnt out, drained, and under-appreciated from all this “helping.”
Fast Forward: Unlearning
Over the last week, I’ve made a conscious effort to call my energy back to me. To put me first. To be self-full.
During this time, some of my friends, family members, and colleagues have faced challenges that would’ve previously left me overwhelmed, frustrated, and heartbroken on their behalf.
But this week, I trusted.
I trusted that all is well.
I trusted that in the midst of hardship, life is offering everyone the opportunity to grow in ways they'd previously thought impossible. I trusted that every setback would eventually lead to greater resilience and victory, not hopelessness or defeat.*
I focused on being a loving and beneficial presence in the lives of my loved ones when they reached out to me and asked me for help. But otherwise, I stayed focused on me: my needs, my health, my peace, and my well-being.
Honestly, it’s been uncomfortable as hell! (That's my truth. And if you're on a similar journey, love, you probably already know that new ways of being are almost always uncomfortable as hell 😉.)
But I've stayed committed to this new version of me. In doing so, I've realized a few things.
When I was constantly trying to "help" my loved ones, I didn't:
Trust others to know what was best for them and then take action to do it.
Trust God to take care of my loved ones without my intervention.
Trust others to see me so that they could invite me in and ask me to share my gifts when they needed help.
I’ve also realized that I used “helping others” as a distraction – a way to avoid doing the work I needed to do in my own life to fulfill the destiny God handed to me.
(Stay with me y'all, I'm about to share a Bible verse with a few edits from yours truly.)
Matthew 7:3-5 says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your sister’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your sibling, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You silly human, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your loved one’s eye.”
These days, I’m focusing my energy first and foremost on removing the planks from my own eyes. I'm focusing on living a self-full life so that I can pour into others from my overflow. I'm waiting on invitations before I offer my advice and help. I am learning how to be a loving and beneficial presence not by “helping” others, but by staying focused on helping myself.
In other words, I'm minding my business. I hope you're minding yours too, love.
*While I believe this mindset is very helpful in our individual and close relationships, I’m not advocating that we take it on a macro level. Systemic change requires that we all get overly involved in problems that may not be “ours” to own. (And freeing up energy by not over-extending in your personal relationships might give you more energy to get involved with causes you care about!)
